This month I am so pleased to bring you an interview with a lovely woman who shall remain nameless. I’ve decided to run her interview in two parts because I feel she has so much of substance to say about building a life on the foundation of scripture and obedience to her Lord. So be looking for the continuation of the story next month as well.

Remember, you can access the magazine via the Editor’s Letter in the sidebar. Also this month we are featuring a lovely children’s book titled What Will Heaven Be Like?: A Story of Hope and Comfort for Kids on our Book Features page. Shop early for Christmas presents!

Like the new column? Please let me know! Send me an email at ruthywood@gmail.com

All of us have a past that affects us in profound ways. Yours has been particularly challenging and includes: parental divorce, incest, promiscuity, miscarriage, abortions, a teen pregnancy, single parenting, bulimia, marriage, divorce, substance abuse, and three suicide attempts. Despite this history, yours is an amazing story of redemption. Would you start out by sharing why you have hope for today and for your future?

I have hope for today and for my future because of Christ Jesus. Over the years He’s shown me who He is by gently leading me out of bondage to sin and bitterness. I faced the pain and sin I had continually tried to bury, asked God for forgiveness, turned from old sinful ways, and God healed and blessed me. Scripture says, “If you hide your sins, you will not succeed. If you confess and reject them, you will receive mercy.”[i] In Jeremiah God promises to “rescue and save,” and I am living proof![ii]

As a child, how did you view God and why?

Since the sexual abuse started by the age of five, in my mind the whole “Jesus loves you” message didn’t pertain to me. I believed God didn’t like dirty little girls. So out of shame I disconnected from everything I heard in church. “Sluts” didn’t belong there. And that’s what I believed I was, someone who didn’t belong around “good” people. I was never angry at God; I just believed He never cared about me because I was a mistake.

Describe your life as a teenager.

By the eighth grade, I was drinking vodka and smoking cigarettes on the way to school. Make out sessions with different boys and skipping school became routine. I believed my purpose was to please men with my body parts.[iii] My first steady boyfriend swept me off my feet and for once I felt loved. I didn’t know any other way to express or receive love except through sex. Even though verbal and physical abuse were the foundation of this relationship, at the time, it was familiar and safe. Pain, sex, and anger were part of my everyday world.

You struggled through pregnancies and deep depression. Tell us a little bit about that.

I became pregnant and miscarried when I was fifteen, and that’s when I started smoking marijuana and abusing alcohol more often. Deep anguish led me to attempt suicide, but I was unsuccessful. A year later I became pregnant again. Though I wanted more than anything to have my baby, pressure from my parents and boyfriend made me believe that somehow abortion would “give me a better future.” By giving in, I made people my god instead of honoring the Lord. Nightmares haunted me and I lived under feelings of condemnation. But I had to move forward; everyone else did. So in the same way I had tried to forget the childhood abuse, I tried to forget the abortion ever happened.

By seventeen, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. I was attending Adult Education, and a lot of the girls there already had babies. This time I had an abortion because my boyfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t. A friend drove me to the clinic and I never told my parents.

Why did you choose not to tell your parents?

Hearing another lecture on how I’d failed was out of the question. Rejection was one area I desperately tried avoiding. Just like the first, I tried to forget the second abortion too. I continued using drugs and alcohol to numb my pain. A second and then a third attempt to end my life were again unsuccessful. And I was angry. I desperately wanted to die because I believed death was my only way to peace. But God had other plans.[iv]

When you became pregnant at eighteen you chose against yet another abortion and kept the baby. What made you decide to do this?

Though having the abortions was ultimately my sin, I was past listening to people instead of doing what I felt was right. The Bible says, “Do not murder anyone.”[v] And, “The Lord hates hands that kill innocent people.”[vi] I desperately wanted my child. And I desperately wanted to escape the sight of my abusers and the prison I lived in at home. If I had my baby, I could raise him the right way and give him a good life, opposite of my own. He would be dependent on me and I could love him. I would always be needed.

In hindsight, what did you feel was going on at this point in your life?

Looking back, part of it was escaping reality. If I could focus on my baby, I wouldn’t have to remember my past. But moving out, single parenting, finishing high school, working part time at a grocery store and cleaning houses on the side wasn’t a happily-ever-after reality. It was hard. And though I was sinning sexually, I didn’t have an abortion. I don’t regret obeying God’s Word by choosing life and having my beautiful son. God has always supplied our needs and more.

When your son was six, his father died in a construction accident. Tell us the impact his death had on propelling you into a new direction.

My son grieved his father’s death terribly which presented in various ways: he’d spit out his food because at times it lodged in his throat; he had trouble sleeping, wanting to be near me at night; he showed confusion. It was hard to see him cry. Watching him grieving someone he had minimal contact with put me in a new reality. I clearly saw the importance of my getting well. Staying on this planet for him became my top priority. If I died it would be my son that suffered, and I could not bear the thought of that. I began praying for a better life because now I was motivated to change and get well.

How would you describe the process of recovery?

Baby steps. First, I had to admit that my ways weren’t working and surrender to God. In three suicide attempts, each time I woke up, I was very angry. All I wanted was peace. From the dark pit I was in, I couldn’t see any way to peace besides death. But as I surrendered and gave God a chance, prayed for His help, and then got into His Word, I began seeing Him work. As He answered specific prayers, it became impossible for me not to believe. I knew He was right beside me. [vii]

Something else you did became a crucial milestone in your healing.

The second step in recovery was sharing the childhood abuse with someone I trusted. As I prayed, God showed me that harboring the secret of abuse was destroying me. This was difficult at first because trust remained a tug-of-war in my life. My pattern of trusting untrustworthy people too much and trustworthy people too little had gotten me into trouble. But God led me to the right person, which happened to be my aunt, in the perfect time and used her to start the process of recovery.

And the third step in recovery?

Being obedient to what God showed me. Going to church regularly and attending several biblically based healing groups that dealt with the trauma I’d been through helped. God led, but I had to go.[viii] It wasn’t always easy. At times I wanted to quit. But I had to do my part and obey and learn what God needed me to know. I’ll always be learning! Satan pestered me with temptation.[ix] There were times I wanted to revert back to old coping skills and did, instead of facing my pain. But God gave me strength. And when I stumbled, He caught me and carried me back to where I belonged. Alongside Him.

We will continue this interview next month and talk about how you overcame bulimia as well as explore what you learned about forgiveness. For now, what are some final thoughts you’d like to leave with readers?

One of the things God used in my healing process was my love of writing. Journaling helped me release a lot of pain. I believe sharing what I’ve been through is a healing in itself. It’s not a poor me story; it’s a Praise God story! In the beginning, hearing testimonies from other hurting women who found healing through Christ encouraged me. I believe, in His time, He gives us opportunities to share our stories to encourage others. “He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.”[x]

Sharing my story is very rewarding. Bragging about God and what He has done is priceless.

Access footnotes here.

©2010 Ruth Wood. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Ruth Wood is the columnist for Tell Me Your Story. Do you have a dramatic or unique story that would encourage others in their walk with the Lord? Send an email to Ruth with subject line “query” and include a paragraph summarizing your story to ruthywood@gmail.com.

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. Psalm 71:9

Welcome to Comfort Cafe, an ezine and resource center offering hope, help and healing for women.

In This Issue—Home Alone (Adjusting to the Empty Nest)

Ruth’s Blog, Comfort Cafe’s editor: Ach, Backing Up Is Hard To Do!
Creation Speaks: Deb Allen’s beautiful nature photos and devotionals.

Coffee Shop Concert—Cheri Showalter

Through many years of struggling with insecurity and fear, God used music as a way to draw Cheri to Himself and grab a hold of her heart. In the process, she was transformed from a terrified girl to a Spirit led woman. God’s changing touch is visible upon her heart, life and music.
See the Coffee Shop Concert Page

Articles

When children are young, we teach them to tie their own shoes, fix their own sandwiches, and eventually how to drive and do their own laundry. Parents spend time teaching their children in hopes they will be independent, productive young adults. And wasn’t this the goal? However, some parents have conflicting feelings when the kids begin to venture out on their own.
Empty Nest: Wasn’t This The Goal? From AllAboutGOD.com

How many people do you know who, no matter what the circumstances and no matter how they feel, will always do exactly what they say they will do every single time and do it with the some thoroughness and perfection that you never have to worry about anything they say or do because you know if they say it, they will definitely do it without fail, without change and without excuse?
Great Is Thy Faithfulness, by Ray Pritchard

A while back I had a talk with a friend. She had discovered her late grandmothers Bible just a few days before and was excited and overwhelmed as she spoke of the treasures she found inside. She said that in times of trouble her grandmother had always told her that a Bible that is falling apart usually belongs to someone who isn’t.
The Well-worn Bible, by Amy Bayliss

When I was younger with small children, my husband occasionally came home from work to me bombarding him with talk. Once he said to me, “Talk to adults much?” and laughed.
What Do You Want To Be When The Kids Grow Up? by Vicki Huffman

Grandma moved into a retirement home six months before this visit. With three small children, I didn’t come as often as I thought I would when she moved here, but usually came at least twice a week, often with the kids.
Touch Me, by Marianne Miles

Devotionals

The expression that nature abhors a vacuum is especially true as we age: clutter, both material and mental, expands to fill our time and our lives. Those of us who are often in e-mail can attest to that as our boxes fill up frequently. A lot of stuff floating around the internet is the same old, same old, but occasionally something special comes along.
For All The Marbles, by Vicki Huffman

More Related Resources

Comfort Cafe’s Resource, The Empty Nest

By Ray Pritchard

How many people do you know who, no matter what the circumstances and no matter how they feel, will always do exactly what they say they will do every single time and do it with the some thoroughness and perfection that you never have to worry about anything they say or do because you know if they say it, they will definitely do it without fail, without change and without excuse?

OK, how many people like that do you know?

Most of us probably think we know some people who do exactly what they say. That is, we all know some reliable people who seem very dependable to us. But in the end, the only person you know who can meet every qualification is God himself. He alone is 100% faithful 100% of the time.

A World of Broken Promises

To say it that way is not an insult but simply a statement of fact. We live in a world of broken promises. Men pledge peace but then make plans for war.

Defining the Key Terms
“Is there anyone out there who is what he claims to be?” I’d like to suggest one name you can trust—Jesus Christ. In John 14:6 he said, “I am the truth.” In John 18:37 he told Pilate, “I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.”

The Bible contains several words for truth, the most important one being the Hebrew word emet, which means stability, firmness, or certainty. We get the English word “amen” from the Hebrew emet. Every time we say amen we are really saying, “It is certain” or “Yes, it is absolutely true.”

Therefore, to say “God is true” is the same as saying “God is faithful.”

Here’s a simple definition. God’s faithfulness means that because he is the truth, everything he says and does is certain. That means he is 100% reliable 100% of the time. He does not fail, forget, falter, change or disappoint. In the words of Lewis Sperry Chafer:

“He not only advances and confirms that which is true, but in faithfulness abides by his promises, and executes every threat or warning he has made.”

He says what he means and means what he says and therefore does everything he says he will do.

Looking at the Central Passages

Let’s look for a moment at some of the key verses regarding God’s faithfulness:

Exodus 34:6 – He is “abounding in love and faithfulness.”

Deuteronomy 32:4 – He is a “a faithful God.”

Psalm 89:2 – “You established your faithfulness in heaven itself.”

Psalm 89:8 – “Your faithfulness surrounds you.”

Psalm 89:33 – “Nor will I ever betray my faithfulness.”

(God’s faithfulness is a major theme of Psalm 89. It tells us that God’s faithfulness flows from his character, that heaven is the ultimate display of God’s faithfulness, and that he will never betray his Word under any circumstances.)

Numbers 23:19 – “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?”

John 17:3 – “The only true God”

1 Corinthians 1:9 – “God … is faithful.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 – “And God is faithful.”

1 John 1:9 – “He is faithful.”

1 John 5:20 – “… Him who is true.”

These verses when taken together establish that God’s faithfulness is not some minor or secondary part of God’s character. To say that God is faithful goes to the core of who God really is. He keeps his word because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be God!

Seven Facts About God’s Faithfulness

1. His word is eternal. “Your word, O LORD, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens” (Psalm 119:89).

2. God is as faithful today as he was yesterday. “Your faithfulness continues through all generations” (Psalm 119:90).

3. He is reliable in all his works. “The works of his hands are faithful and just” (Psalm 111:7).

4. He is faithful even when we are not. “If we are faithless, he will remain faithful” (2 Timothy 2:13).

5. Our salvation depends on God’s faithfulness. “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

6. Our sanctification depends on his faithfulness. “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

7. Our future resurrection depends on God’s faithfulness. “We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him” (1 Thessalonians 4:14).

These verses could be multiplied in every direction because all that God does rests on his faithfulness and every blessing we receive comes because he is faithful to keep his promises to us. If God were not faithful, we could not be saved, would not dare to pray, would have no sure hope for the future, and would go down to death in desperate fear wondering if God will keep his promises. But we live in faith and die in hope precisely because our God is faithful.

Applying the Truth to Life

Since this is a vast topic, let’s focus on five specific areas of application.

A. When you are discouraged, remember God’s faithfulness.

When you are discouraged, remember God’s faithfulness. Quote the great promises. Remember how God has answered your prayers. Reflect on his mighty deeds. Consider who it is who fights for you. Then pick up five smooth stones and get ready to defeat the giant.

B. When you doubt your salvation, remember God’s faithfulness.

Many Christians secretly doubt their salvation because they do not feel like they are good enough Christians to get into heaven. But getting to heaven has nothing to do with being “good enough” since none of us ever qualifies. In John 10:28 Jesus said of his followers, “I give them eternal life.” And in 1 John 5:13 we are told that “you may know that you have eternal life.” God wants you to know that you are saved. The Bible doesn’t say “that you may hope you have eternal life” or “that you may wish you have eternal life.” No! The Bible says you can know you are going to heaven.

C. When you are tempted to sin, remember God’s faithfulness.

Here are two wonderful verses to remember in the moment of temptation:

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one” (2 Thessalonians 3:3).

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

In both cases God’s faithfulness is tied directly into the temptations of life that trouble you. Notice also that it is not God’s purpose to deliver you from temptation, but it is his purpose to give you the strength you need to stand up against satanic attack. Just as Jesus had to endure temptation, so will we. But just as he resisted and triumphed, so may we. God will give you whatever you need in the moment of fierce attack.

D. When you have made a mess of your life, remember God’s faithfulness.

How many times have we heard the blessed words of 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” “He is faithful.” Those three words guarantee God’s forgiveness to his erring children.

Have you made a mess of your life? Would you be ashamed for others to know everything you have said, done and thought in the last seven days? Or the last three months? Or the last five years? Who among us dares to say, “I don’t need God’s forgiveness?” If you know yourself at all, you know how much you sin and how desperately you stand in need of God’s mercy.

But will it be there when you need it? Thank God the answer is yes. But what if you have sinned too much? What if God says, “I’ve had it with you?” The truth is, as long as your heart is tender and open before the Lord, you can always be forgiven. A broken and contrite heart, O Lord, you will not despise.

Think about your life. Now think about God’s faithfulness. And then bring your faults and failures and foolish ways to the Lord. Ask for his forgiveness. Then believe that you have received it. And as Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, go and sin no more.

E. When you feel unequal to your tasks, remember God’s faithfulness.

Consider Hebrews 10:23, “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” What wonderful words these are. All of us will face moments sooner or later when we simply cannot find the strength to go on. Perhaps we feel overwhelmed by circumstances or perhaps life begins to tumble in around us. What do you do then?

As Christians, we are still shy of pain and struggle. Do we get less of it because we love our Father? I think not. But I am so glad to know how much he loves us, and that when I’m falling, he’s been waiting, prepared, with his arms open wide. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart” (Proverbs 3:3).

Whose Side Are You On?

Let me end this sermon where I began. How many people do you know who always do exactly what they say? No matter how many qualifiers you put on those words, the answer is always the same. Only God is always faithful. Jesus Christ is truly the name you can trust. He is the answer to the question: Is there anyone who is what he claims to be?

Ponder again the words of Jesus: “I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me” (John 18:37). Whose side are you on?

If you find yourself weak in faith, look to the cross. Ponder the bloody visage of the Son of God. Gaze upon the empty tomb. Read again those ancient accounts of Holy Week, of Good Friday, of Easter Sunday. Consider what the Lord your God has done for you. Think what this means. If God can raise the dead—and he can—and if Jesus is alive—and he is—then why are you worried about anything at all?

As you come to the end of this message, I’d like to ask you a question. Have you ever accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and trusted him as your Lord? That’s the single most important decision you could ever make. If you’ve never done it, I urge you to bow your head, pray to God, open your heart and invite Jesus Christ to rule and reign in your life.

I’m asking you to trust the most trustworthy person in the universe. May God help you to do it and to make your peace with him right now. Amen.

©Keep Believing Ministries. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Bio:
Dr. Ray Pritchard is the founder and President of Keep Believing Ministries. For twenty-six years he has been a pastor, speaker and author of twenty-seven books. Married to Marlene for thirty-three years, he enjoys being a dad to three sons, biking, world travel and playing with Dudley, beloved basset hound. Learn more about his ministry at www.keepbelieving.com.

Amy Bayliss

A while back I had a talk with a friend. She had discovered her late grandmothers Bible just a few days before and was excited and overwhelmed as she spoke of the treasures she found inside. She said that in times of trouble her grandmother had always told her that a Bible that is falling apart usually belongs to someone who isn’t.

As she read through the thin, tattered, torn, folded, highlighted, and well noted pages, she discovered the heart of a woman who was constantly seeking her Father. She also began to understand how her grandmother had not only survived but thrived through the trials in her life. As she described them to me I couldn’t help but become engaged in the legacy she left.

The question marks and exclamation points through the gospels revealed the young Christian’s thoughts after giving her life to her savior at 19 years of age. The tear stained pages and repeated highlighting of Jeremiah 29:11 spoke volumes about her healing through the loss of a young child and coping as her husband was overseas fighting in the war. The pages that were most thin and crumpled (John, Ephesians, and 1 Corinthians) revealed her favorite passages and places of intense study. The notes in the margins of Genesis, Exodus, and Revelation revealed her desire to learn all about her Lord. Her faith was well recorded on every page.

Then there where the prayer verses she assigned to different family members at different times in their life. Some prayed so often and so intently that it was obvious to all that her tears had mixed with the ink on the pages and actually formed a hand print as she lay her hand on them. Letters from Vietnam and photos of her loved ones littered the book as though it was her most treasured lock box. Indeed it was. She shared her life, her most precious things, with Him.

All of these things started me thinking. What would my Bible say about me? Will my love and passion for my Savior be as obvious? Will my love for my family be as proclaimed? Will the complete expression of my heart be reflected in the pages of my well worn Bible?

What about yours?

In Him,

Amy

Printed with permission from Internet Café Devotions

Bio:

Amy is a true Cajun princess who is on a mission to minister to women via the World Wide Web. Her preferred method of ministering is through writing but she can often be found with a microphone strapped to her head and caught in her hair while speaking to lost and hurting women. She has a heart for encouraging and equipping them and she is a firm believer that a woman’s first ministry should be to her family.
See www.internetcafedevotions.com
Author Amy Bayliss www.amybayliss.com

Come Away, by Cheri Showalter
In The Shadow, by Cheri Showalter
You Alone Are My Rock, by Cheri Showalter

Artist

Through many years of struggling with insecurity and fear, God used music as a way to draw Cheri to Himself and grab a hold of her heart. In the process, she was transformed from a terrified girl to a Spirit led woman. God’s changing touch is visible upon her heart, life and music.

Believing that God uses music as a unique way of speaking to our hearts and drawing us to Himself, Cheri strives to offer songs that invite us to personally encounter Jesus for the first time or in a fresh new way. Driven by the awesome, unchanging love of God, she challenges her listeners to move on to the next level in their faith, knowing that true freedom and change can only be obtained through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Cheri is a self taught pianist and guitarist who draws inspiration from her own personal times with God as well as from everyday life experiences to compose honest, reflective songs that encourage growing faith and worship. Her unique combination of scripture and melody teach and present God’s word as true and living instructions for life. She is passionate about the Word of God and desires to teach and “feed” people the truths she has discovered there. She offers her listeners hope and leaves them holding onto the promises found only in the Word of God.

This wife, mother, musician and writer desires to use music to paint a picture of the many facets involved in a personal relationship with Jesus. She’s not afraid to be honest and transparent in her lyrics hoping that it will free others to be that way with God and each other. Cheri has a heart to minister to people of all ages and openly shares from her life journey using personal stories and songs.

Learn more at www.cherishowalter.com and http://www.indieheaven.com/artist_main.php?id=18265

Lyrics

Come Away

Your armor’s rusting from the tears you’ve cried
From behind the battle lines
Against an enemy beyond your size

Though you’re tired and the battle’s long
This is right where you belong
In your weakness I will make you strong

Come away with me
Let me hold you awhile
Lay your broken heart in my hands
You are safe within the boundary of my love
Won’t you come away?

Your fainting heart just wants to give it up
Fear declares you’ve had enough
It’s not human to remain so tough

So afraid to take a safe retreat
That is might proclaim defeat
But your strength is waiting here with me

Come away with me
Let me hold you awhile
Lay your broken heart in my hands
You are safe within the boundary of my love
Won’t you come away?

Come near to me, I’ll come near to you
Come near to me and I will come near to you (repeat)

Come away with me
Let me hold you awhile
Lay your broken heart in my hands
You are safe within the boundary of my love
Won’t you come away?

Music and lyrics by Cheri Showalter
©2002 Cheri Showalter
Sappy Seeds Publishing

In The Shadow
(Psalm 63:7)

Umbrella over my spirit
As steady raindrops fall
Endless love jumpstarts my heartbeat
The minute the flat-line calls

Promises gently lead me
Safely away from fear
Quietness calms my wonder
Hidden joy replaces my tears

I am singing in the shadow
Singing in the shadow
Singing in the shadow of your wings
I am singing in the shadow of your wings

Forgiveness bestowed so freely
Releases my soul to find
Peaceful sounds echoing around me
Protected leaving all else behind

I am singing in the shadow
Singing in the shadow
Singing in the shadow of your wings
I am singing in the shadow of your wings

Music and lyrics by Cheri Showalter
©2001 Cheri Showalter
Sappy Seeds Publishing

You Alone Are My Rock
(Psalm 62)

Chorus
You alone are my Rock
My faithful Rescuer
My strong Defense
And Mighty Fortress
Oh, I am no longer afraid (repeat)

Here in the midst of the loud crashing waves
I am standing still
I know I am safe

There is no limit or boundary
To your awesome power
You claim every space

Chorus
You alone are my Rock
My faithful Rescuer
My strong Defense
And Mighty Fortress
Oh, I am no longer afraid

Caught in the eye of the storm once again
I’m protected
And never alone

Gratefully, I offer praise to you
For the amazing way
You care for your own.

Chorus
You alone are my Rock
My faithful Rescuer
My strong Defense
And Mighty Fortress
Oh, I am no longer afraid

Words & Music by Cheri Showalter
©2002 Cheri Showalter
Sappy Seeds Publishing

By Vicki Huffman

When I was younger with small children, my husband occasionally came home from work to me bombarding him with talk. Once he said to me, “Talk to adults much?” and laughed.

I said, “No! And that’s the problem.”

I was not amused.

My husband learned that there were times I needed to unload. And he needed to listen and not tell me how to fix it.

Everyone says that children grow up too soon. And it’s true. You turn around and they’re gone. Not gone to the ends of the earth (usually) but irrevocably gone to jobs and homes and families of their own. Then, according to surveys we fill out about who lives in our home, we are childless.

“Empty nest” is one of the few completely descriptive terms in the English language. If the home you raised your children in was the right kind of home, it was like a nest: a place of provision and protection. The children were sheltered under your wings and kept secure until they were old enough to move on. Human mothers often resist this phase, but in nature not so much. The mother eagle sometimes pushes the eaglets out of the nest to teach them to fly. They learn quickly as they’re falling. And she swoops under them and catches them if they’re slow learners.

Whether our eaglets fall, glide, or soar out of our nests, eventually our nests become “empty.” That too is descriptive: not just of the amount of unoccupied space in our homes but of the feeling we can have: the empty feeling that our family is gone. Unfortunately, we sometimes translate that feeling into the idea that our usefulness is gone. The freedom that many women think they will enjoy with an empty nest isn’t realized because they are too wrapped up in what used to be to enjoy what currently is.

If that feeling is indulged, instead of enjoying the freedom to do new things, a woman finds she doesn’t know what to do. Some make a serious mistake at this point by infringing on their children’s freedom with too many phone calls, letters, unsolicited advice or visits.

From ancient times up until the early part of the 20th century, women had many children. Because people had shorter life spans, often before the youngest child was raised to adulthood, the mother (by then in her 50s) died. Gradually family size became much smaller, and child rearing was finished earlier, often in a woman’s 40s. At the same time life spans increased: women began living into their 70s.

Women were faced with a question: What will you do with the next approximately 30 years of life when you are no longer raising a family?

Those who have the most problems with their empty nests are often those who weren’t prepared to face those years. They considered their occupation and calling to be a stay-at-home mother. Then their job grew up and left them. It was an empty nest indeed!

When this happens, women often feel as unemployed as if they’d received a pink slip from a corporation. Only worse! People can go out and get another job. Rarely do women decide to or are physically able to start having more babies to replenish their family.

So I’ll ask you the question I asked myself many years ago: what do you want to be (not when you grow up but) when your kids grow up? I’m not urging you to have a second career plan to fall back on; I’m urging you to think about how to wisely fill the years the Lord gives you after your child rearing duties are over.

Having an empty nest returns you to the identity you had B.C. (before children). You are more than just your husband’s wife and your children’s mother. You are your heavenly Father’s daughter, and that doesn’t change. He has plans for you even in the later years of your life. His will for you might include a career in the workplace or in a ministry or increased volunteer work in your church. It could mean honing a creative skill or talent you only dabbled at before. But it should also include growing closer to God and becoming a mature example of His grace.

Moses lived to be 120, but the last 40 years (the last third of his lifetime) were the productive years. During those years he followed God and led the children of Israel (often wayward children) out of bondage in Egypt. A line in one of the two psalms he wrote could also be the prayer of every woman who faces a changing life season. In Psalm 90:12 (NIV), Moses prayed: “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

My prayer for all whose nests are empty is that your hearts may be full — full of godly wisdom.

©2010 Vicki Huffman. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

By Marianne Miles

Grandma moved into a retirement home six months before this visit. With three small children, I didn’t come as often as I thought I would when she moved here, but usually came at least twice a week, often with the kids.

“How are you, Grandma?” I asked as I stooped to kiss her. She reached for me and held me fast as she kissed me. She didn’t release my arms and held my face close to hers. Her eyes searched mine, looking for… what? I didn’t know.

“What is it?” I asked. She looked away and her hands slid slowly down my arms to rest in mine. I wasn’t moving. I rubbed my thumbs over her fingers.

“Grandma?” I waited

She shook her head slowly and fished a hanky from her pocket to wipe her eyes. “It’s human touch,” she said at last. “You can’t imagine how much it means to have a hug when you’re alone.” This was the first time I realized the sure power of touch. From then to her last day I found excuses to lay my hand on hers, support her elbow when she walked, brush her hair, rub her feet or massage lotion on her arms and legs.

But I knew, back brain, many years before, the importance of touch when I became a mom. Nothing soothed their anxieties like being held. I’m reminded of ‘mother magic’ as I play ‘grandma’ to a young couple. Their five week old baby wants to be held. He tolerates being swaddled in a thin blanket when he sleeps away from Mom and Dad, but only because it reminds him of their touch—tight and safe.

I also knew—again, back brain—that perhaps something might not be quite right when my second child, a special needs son, did not like being held and snuggled as a baby. Many autistic and other special needs children do not like to be touched, or only on their terms. This was a hard lesson to learn as a mom. Sometimes, the rejection felt personal.

With patience, relentless pursuit, and the deep desire to know my son, I learned how to “touch” his heart and mind, while giving him space not to be irritated by the discomforts of his sensory perceptions. I learned he loved me to stroke his hair, but hated me to pat his head. I learned his ears were super sensitive to the ‘S’ sound and spoke the letter softly. I learned he felt ‘maneuvered’ into emotional hugs, but came up on his own with our secret code of three squeezes of the hand which meant “I LOVE YOU!”

I’ve heard it said that children need eleven hugs a day, adults need three. I understand the reason that educators are now so frightened of giving even appropriate hugs or a pat to children these days, but I know this wilderness of warmth is difficult for the children. I visited a friend’s second grade class to see the children all but climbing on her to gather affection where they could. Eight hours is a huge part of a seven-year-old’s day to go without. As she sat in her chair two children sidled up to her on either side, like cowboys on leaning posts in a saloon!

I suppose, I could end up alone, some day, in a room by myself, wishing for my three hugs. I’m sure ‘human touch’ will take on new meaning for me like it did for my grandma. Even so, I think I could settle for three squeezes of my hand.

©2010 Marianne Miles. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

*Copyrighted back columns are available for reading in archives of Comfort Cafe. Contact Marianne for reprint availability.

Bio:
Marianne Miles is a free lance writer intent on bringing comfort to mom’s of special needs kids. As she and her husband raised their children, including a son with special needs, Marianne developed a passion to support hurting mothers. Her message revolves around the love and provision of God, even in times of trial. Marianne has worked as a volunteer in the public schools, home school mom, and a teacher in a private school. She writes on the subjects of family and education in the form of devotionals, magazine articles, and poetry. Marianne welcomes reader’s comments and publisher’s questions at Marianne_Miles@yahoo.com.

By Vicki Huffman

The expression that nature abhors a vacuum is especially true as we age: clutter, both material and mental, expands to fill our time and our lives. Those of us who are often in e-mail can attest to that as our boxes fill up frequently. A lot of stuff floating around the internet is the same old, same old, but occasionally something special comes along. Such is the story that I share with you. (No author’s name was attached—if you know you wrote it, please let us know and we’ll credit him.) What I especially enjoy about it is its universal application. It’s the advice of an older man to a younger, but its wisdom is applicable to women just as much as to men.

As I read it I thought of what Moses wrote long ago: “The length of our days is seventy years—or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:10,12 NIV). This story helped remind me to number my days. Maybe it will do the same for you:

“The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.  What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.  Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.  He was telling whomever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles.” I was intrigued and stopped to listen.

“Well, Tom,” the older man said, “it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work 60 or 70 hours a week to make ends meet.  It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital. Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.”

That’s when he began to explain his theory of “a thousand marbles.” “You see,” he said. “I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.  The average person lives about 75 years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about 75 years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part.

“It took me until I was 55 years old to think about all this in any detail”, he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over 2800 Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be 75, I only had about 1000 of them left to enjoy.  So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large clear plastic container.”

“Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.”

“Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday, then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.”

“It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band.  This is a 75 year-old man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey. I’m taking you to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile. “Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.”

©2010 Vicki Huffman. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Mom’s feelings may include a sense of uselessness. She finds herself searching for what to do with the extra time that had been spent on chauffeuring, attending school functions, hosting slumber parties, and so on. Both parents may wrestle with feelings over loss of authority. Additionally, spouses might find they have little to talk about since their children have been the focus of conversations for so many years. But this is the point in time we raised them toward.

Empty Nest: How do we fill the void?
If parents are married, this time can be used to focus on each other. It can be an amazing time to renew the intimacy you once shared and concentrate on your relationship. You may be a single parent or perhaps you need a transition period. Either way, there are many ways to lessen the feelings of loss when the nest is emptied.

* Establish date nights with your spouse or spend more time with friends.
* Host an exchange student. It can be very gratifying to know you are helping a young person into a new experience.
* Become involved in your church youth group or a volunteer position in your community. Youth are wonderful beings, full of life, energy, and most are willing to share it with adults who take an interest in them.
* This is a great time to get more involved in your church. Many churches have groups of empty nesters just like you who get together for outings, sharing commonalities, and hobby groups.
* Travel or renew hobbies.

Empty Nest: A Personal Story
One woman reports “When my last child left home, it hit me hard. I had been a parent for most of my adult life and didn’t know what to do with myself. I missed having the sound of young voices filling the air and the activity of kids going in and out. The first year, I consented to host an exchange student from Europe. Her presence helped me make the transition. But I found I still had a void to fill. I became more satisfied when I turned to seeking my unfulfilled purpose and asked, “What does God want for my life now?” When I asked, He showed me!

“For the first time in my life I was able to take a missions trip that I had always desired to take. It was the most wonderful, blessed experience in my life aside from having my family. As much as it filled my need to be a blessing to others, I was even more blessed by the people I met. They had so little and it showed me how much I had. There was no more time for me to feel low and lonely.”

God provides us with an awesome sense of worth when we trust Him. He says in Isaiah 46:4,

“I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.” The Lord is here to help us enjoy are our years, have peace, and find the perfect balance in this next stage of life.

Taken from www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/empty-nest.htm, published by AllAboutGOD.com Ministries, M. Houdmann, P. Matthews-Rose, R. Niles, editors, 2002-2010. Used by permission.