“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine” (Proverbs 17:22).

Driving Privileges

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied:

“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Can’t Believe I Did That!

The yellow old house quaintly converted into a popular coffee shop wafted welcoming aromas as my friend, Laura, and I entered. The barista made my friend’s raspberry Italian soda first and handed it to her. We lingered, chatting non-stop as always, and finally drifted over to the pick-up counter.

“Hey,” Laura said. “Your smoothie’s here!”

“That was quick!” I picked up the frothy pink drink and took a sip. “Mmmm.”

Suddenly I stopped, setting it down quickly. “Wait, I didn’t order strawberry, but peach!”

Just then, a blond, handsome young man approached. Uh oh.

“That’s my smoothie!” he said reaching for it. Oh my gosh, surely he saw my lips on his drink!

He turned to go but then hesitated a moment as if unsure he got the correct drink. Is he going to say something? Breathe, breathe, pretend nothing happened. Don’t move…

Danger finally over, I heaved a sigh of relief and rolled my eyes significantly at Laura—she’s suppressing giggles.

Such an experience calls for serious reflection on what you should have done. It would have been stupendously fun to twinkle a smile at the cute young man and quip, “Mmmm, delicious!”
©2010 Ruth Wood

Through a Child’s Eyes

Three-year old boy pointing at a Renaissance painting of Jesus hanging on the cross, “Mommy, why is Jesus wearing diapers?”
©2010 Ruth Wood

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?”

Graduation Exam

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid “A’s.” These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the scheduled final exam then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

For Any Occasion

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He let the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry he was about the obvious mistake.

The florist wisely diffused the man’s anger when she calmly said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but just imagine this … somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location!”

Diaries of a Dog and Cat

Excerpts From the Diary of a Dog:
7 am Oh Boy, Dog Food! My Favorite
9:30 am Oh Boy, A Car Ride! My Favorite
10:30 am Oh Boy, A Walk! My Favorite
12:30 am Oh Boy, Dog Food! My Favorite
1 pm Oh Boy, The Yard! My Favorite
4 pm Oh Boy, The Kids! My Favorite
5 pm Oh Boy, Dog Food! My Favorite
7 pm Oh Boy, Playing Ball! My Favorite

Excerpts From the Diary of a Cat:
Day 183 of my Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. Jerks. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they are walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these Vile Creatures, I again induce myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Note to Self: I think I try pooping under their bed, too. Wonder how long it’ll take them to find it?

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Shoot! Not working according to plan.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a bloody half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

(From Deborah Hedstrom-Page, www.pagewriter.info/bfreedownloadhome.html)

Super Granny Defender of Justice

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

(From Kim’s Chuckle-a-day)

Jesus Loves What?

One evening while I gave my three year old son a bath my heart was touched as he began to sing “Jesus Loves Me.” When he got to the chorus, in his loudest voice he proclaimed, “Yes, Jesus loves…ice cream!”

Contributed by Erin Dodson, Kansas

Teens and Mid-life Crises

A friend of mine was complaining about how her teenagers made her feel completely stupid and incompetent. I do suspect that our children are what drive us into mid-life crises. Think this through with me for a moment:

About the time we imagine ourselves finally beyond middle school self-esteem issues, our children hit thirteen. Thought you were grown up, now that you’re over 40? Thought you were a sensible, competent adult? Thought you knew how to drive? Ha, you will seriously begin to doubt yourself again, trust me.

It must be their hormones. Why else would our once adorable toddlers roll their eyes until the whites show and groan “MOM!!!” in horrified tones?

I thought I had successfully morphed from a shy, tentative sixth grader into a capable human being who knows how to conduct herself in public. Until my kids said things such as the following:

“Why did you walk by that man?” Huh?

“You’re not going out wearing that, are you?”

“Really, you should have switched lanes earlier.”

At first I had comebacks such as: “Excuse me, but I know where I’m going,” or “Hey girl, I’m supposed to monitor what YOU wear, not vice versa,” or “Don’t teach ME how to drive!”

But little by little, have you noticed how confidence falters? You wonder if your public comportment could use some work. Maybe that favorite outfit is out of style now. Perhaps some of the phrases you use ARE corny. Is corny even a word anymore? Hello, anybody? A sneaking feeling grows that these almost-adult-looking aliens inhabiting your house are trying to TAKE OVER! Aaack!

And suddenly…you’re roaring down the street on your new Harley wearing a mini-skirt.

Mid-life crisis? Yeah, it’s definitely the kids’ fault.

By Ruth Wood

How to Wash a Cat

Note from Kim… no animals were harmed in the making of this joke! I LOVE cats, I have three, and I would never actually hurt one like this. So no hate mail, please!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The DOG

©1998-2001 Kim’s Chuckle-A-Day. All rights reserved.

Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

Big Bad Bunny

When my husband deployed overseas, my sister presented me with “Miss Vicky,” a five foot tall bunny dressed as a Victorian maid that covered my vacuum, mop, and broom. Upon returning from combat after a seventeen hour flight, my husband unexpectedly met this new member of our family. I had already retired for the night when he quietly walked in the dark through the backdoor. Suddenly he saw a suspicious shadow, dropped his duffle, withdrew his knife, and executed a deadly assault. The grunts and groans shocked me from a deep sleep, but nothing prepared me for what I saw when the lights came on. Miss Vicky lay shredded on the floor beside a broken mop handle, and my husband stood there with several bruises and cuts inflicted by my appliance. Then he smiled weakly, handed me the knife and said, “I’m back, honey.” And I was so grateful he was.

Bio:
Christine Howard is a widow, mother, educator, assistant administrator, and freelance author. Her works include book reviews, editorials, education articles, devotionals, how-to write pamphlets, humorous shorts, Bible studies, and Sunday School curriculum. Christine’s passion is writing from personal experience what God has blessed her with, whether through trials or triumphs, all for His glory. You may contact her at clhoward@mchsi.com.

Judge Not

AS I ENTERED HEAVEN’S DOOR

I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or it’s decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven, who made me sputter and gasp—
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade, who swiped my lunch money twice,
Next to him was my old neighbor, who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought, was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?”, I would love to hear Your take,
How’d all these sinners get up here? God must’ve made a mistake.

And why’s everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” said He. “They’re all in shock, no one thought they’d see you.”

Author Unknown

From: www.walking-wounded.net/html/fun_music_poetry.html

Some humorous quotes by famous people

“The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason he made so many of them.” (Abraham Lincoln)

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” (Oscar Wilde)

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” (Sir Winston Churchill)

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” (Will Rogers)

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” (Mark Twain)

“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” (Henry L. Mencken)

“Every woman should marry – and no man.” (Benjamin Disraeli)

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” (James Branch Cabell)

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” (Dave Barry)

Thought for the day: Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.—Anonymous

Slogans for Women’s T-Shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all…I just can’t remember it all.

4. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

6. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

7. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

8. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

9. It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

10. Guys have feelings too. But like…who cares?

11. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

12. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

13. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

14. Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the first time.

15. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

16. My husband is the head of the household, but I’m the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

17. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

18. If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

19. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.)

©TheRomantic.com All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Special thanks to TheRomantic.com for permission to run this piece.

Speeding, Bible Reading, and a Cop

It was summer and with summer comes the county fair. In our area, the fair is rather lame and uninteresting; I mean, after all, how many different varieties of marmalade can one take in a single afternoon. Yet, since we really had nothing better to do, four of us teen guys loaded up in my friend’s 1989 reddish brown celebrity station wagon and made the half hour drive to the neighboring town of Myrtle Point. After many happy hours examining livestock, throwing up on rides (that actually happened), discussing politics with vendors of the Libertarian party and generally eating too much, we started for home.

My friend Zach was driving. We all had received little orange Gideon’s New Testaments, and (I swear all of the following is true) were comparing verses of different translations. As far as I can remember, the discussion centered around tongues and what that meant to the church today. Our driver, aside from maintaining a not uncommon 75 mph on a 55 mph stretch, was looking at a Bible in the passenger’s seat and swerved a bit on the road.

We were approaching the beautiful city of Coquille, population 4,161, when one of my friends pointed out the police car behind us. Soon the officer’s lights came on. Zach groaned and wondered if a tail light was out.

This was the first time he had ever been pulled over, and he was flustered as was quickly evident by his hearty, “Good Morning, Sir.” You’d have thought he was answering a sargeant in the military.

At first taken aback, the officer then began detailing the infractions: Three counts of Failure to Maintain Lane and Speeding.

“Did you have a reason for swerving?” he wanted to know.

With hands firmly grasping the wheel and eyes straight ahead, Zach retorted without missing a beat, “We were reading God’s Word, Sir.”

The policeman retired to his squad car to check out the license and registration. When he returned he leaned into the window, “So, where were you reading?”

Again, Zach shot back, “I Corinthians 14:23, Sir.” At this point, the rest of us in the car were nearly exploding to keep from laughing.

“Well, young man, reading the Bible is a noble endeavor,” the officer said as he handed him the $97 ticket, “but it really should be put off for times when other people’s lives aren’t at stake.”

Lesson learned.

~ Contributed by Markus Boesl, Coos Bay, Oregon

Knowing the Way

Early in Billy Graham’s ministry, he arrived in a small town to preach. He needed to mail a letter and, spotting a young boy, asked, “Can you tell me the way to the post office?” After the boy gave directions, Dr. Graham thanked him adding, “If you come to church tonight, you’ll hear me explain how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Mistaken Identity

Tom White, director of Voice of the Martyrs, tells how one afternoon he threw a long brown shawl around his neck and walked into his kitchen looking like a biblical character. His four-year-old grandson turned on his stool and looked up at him for a moment. Then with solemn eyes he asked, “Are you God?”

Vroom, vroom

As a three-year old, my son, Justin, was really into cars. One day he raced across the living room floor to where I was standing. “Mom,” he yelled, “I ran so fast, smoke camed out of my bottom.”

©2009 Ruth Wood

A Good Word from the Doctor

A few years ago, I had complications from fibroid surgery that left me out of commission for weeks. Once I got back on my feet, I had to struggle to get back to some reasonable level of fitness. Joining an exercise group helped considerably. It was slow going for a while, especially with the abdominal floor exercises and weight training.

Then the time came for my follow-up exam. I knew that fibroids can grow back, and I prayed that mine were gone for good. As my doctor finished the check-up, he spent extra time poking around my tummy. I panicked. “Lord, please don’t let those fibroids be back again,” I prayed.

I mustered up the courage to ask the doctor what was wrong. As he poked, he asked, “Where are you getting these nice firm abdominal muscles?”

Puzzled, I told him about my exercise class. “What’s wrong, doctor?” I asked again. “Is there a problem?”

“Hmm,” he muttered (and I always worry when doctors say, “Hmm”). “Next time you go to your exercise class,” he said, “take my wife with you!”

Bio:
Sharon V. King is an African American “Baby Boomer” who is an academic researcher and an inspirational writer. Her specialty is religion and aging. She has published devotionals in three anthologies, including The Writing Group’s Daily Devotions for Writers. She has published articles for Christian ezines and has two book proposals about spirituality and midlife women under review by major publishers. She’s a church musician, gardener, and avid “Jazzerciser.”

Funny Moments With My Grandchildren, by Hannchen Gantenbein

When my granddaughter was 4-1/2, she liked to sneak up from behind to scare me. I have jumpy nerves so this was great fun for her. After a particularly startling fright, I exclaimed, “If you keep doing this, someday I’m going to get a heart attack and die!” She replied sweetly, “That’s okay, Oma—you’ll be right with Jesus!”

Once when visiting my three-year-old grandson he said, “Oma, please stay and live with us.” I gently replied, “Opa would be so lonely. What would he do without me?” To which my grandson had a practical answer, “He can go to the store and order a new wife from the catalog!”

This same grandson accompanied his dad to buy a newspaper from the store one day. His dad, wanting to instill a strong moral lesson early, pointed out how wrong it was that some people just steal the paper and don’t pay. Later in the week the boy went shopping with my daughter. She was busy placing items in the cart, when he suddenly piped up loud enough for all to hear, “Mommy, are we stealing today?”

Once I arrived at my daughter’s home to find the whole family in a somber mood. With a solemn face, my eight-year-old granddaughter drew me aside explaining they were all sad because they had to put their beloved cat, Tiger, to sleep. But she patted me on the arm reassuringly and added, “Don’t worry, Oma, we won’t do that to you.”

©2009 Hannchen Gantenbein. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Credits for the following to Humor Hotline

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.” (Pastor Jim Patrick, Salt and Light, Indianola, IA)

A young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?” The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service.” Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or evening service?”
(by Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted to ECULAUGH)

A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
(University of Warwick Christian Union)

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, “What’s that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”

The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation: “Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule.”

Minister: Do you know what’s in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that’s in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There’s a picture of my brother’s girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
(Mark Brown, “Comedy Comes Clean”)

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
(Tommy Blaze)

Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. “Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do…” Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned…”But dad, I don’t think your computer has enough memory.”
Abraham said “Don’t worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM.”